By my recent posts y'all can probably get a hint that I have a little bit of a problem.
I like to write in third person because I feel like if I can make characters that express what is happening in my life, it won't be as hard to tell the story to anyone. People can get a sense that it's a character and won't get as attached to a character than to a human being that it's happening to.
But that isn't the problem I'm talking about.
I like to act like everything is okay and keep everything inside and let it go later that night. Start a whole new day with nothing to worry about until later that night. I stay quiet and won't talk to anyone. You can talk to me an I will communicate, I just can't be the one that starts a conversation because I'll be thinking too hard. But that always leads me to feeling sick and I get worn down every time.
But that isn't the problem I'm talking about.
It's hard to explain to people why I do this. And I do want to get help its just being a hardcore Catholic and having standards to live up to while growing up Italian it's hard to step out of the one way direction I'm going. I do it not to fit in. Nor because my roll model use to do it and I need to do everything like her. I do it to relieve stress, relieve the hardcore catholic standards, relieve all my worries at the end of the day. And relieve those moments where I feel like I'm deciding wrong things for my life to come. As I get older and the more responsibility I receive, the harder it is to stop. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it until I can feel the pain roaring out of my skin. Not like a pinch pain or an Indian burn pain but a pain where you know your going to feel better after everything is done.
I do it mostly because I over think about everything. I over think about if I forgot to do something at work. If I forgot to tell my dad something on our last phone call. If I can pay rent next month. If I'm going to need to make a doctors visit if I'm going to be sick. If my car will work the next day. If my best friend and I will ever see each other again. If its still going to be the same when I see my guy friend again. If I'm going to ever get married.
Stupid things right?
I know. Believe me, I know. My mind goes a million miles an hour at a time which makes me over think everything.
I just hope people can see me as the same person as I am. I just have one more issue I'm dealing with now. Nothing physically different just a few scars on my arm and a mind that keeps over thinking about events that is going on in life.
I haven't told many of my friends. And my parents don't know either. I hope it stays that way too. (Aaahemm!) and when I want to vent about something that I know will leave a scar later, I feel like I've already given that friend hell from the last venting and I don't want to give that friend anything else to have to think about or worry about for me. That friend has already been through so much in his life that I hate to be a burden on his night every time I need to say something. Plus I'm more of a listener than a talker. I'm not that great at speaking to people but when I need to I can be pretty badass or pretty fricking lame sauce.
Anyways.
I'm trying to not leave scars on my arms anymore but it is a long process need to take. I just hope my friends can still accept me for me myself and I like I was before I came out to say,
I leave scars on my arms to relieve my worries and fears of life. I know it isn't healthy but I'm trying to be better about this.
Look on the bright side, at lease I'm not an alcoholic. (;
