Twenty-One

Things I want to do before I turn 21 (It's in three months)

 

1. Save $1,000 dollars Didn't last long!

2. Buy a lottery ticket Where's my million dollars?!

 

3. Say "I love you"

 

4. Ride a horse

 

5. Learn how to love your body

 

6. Make out with an Autralian Ooo la la

 

7. Sign a petition We need liquor in Plano!

 

8. Go to a Ranger's game Twice!

 

9. Lose 20 pounds

 

10. Learn a langauge Sign Language

 

11. Save someone's life

 

12. Try a illegal drug So weird!

 

13. Have a relationship longer than two weeks

 

14. Leave a love note on someone's windsheild

 

15. Watch the stars in someone's truck 



 

Unbelievable

Skippy

 

 

My new love. Adorable right?

 

 

 Sometimes I cant handle how cute he is.

 

Always helping me with my writing and homework.

He's my best friend though.

Love this kid to death.

Hell and Back

"Once upon a time a few mistakes ago..."

 

The year to discover aye? I sure as hell have been through discovery's this year.

 

1.Friend came back.

2.Bought a dog

3.Got a new job

4.Moved

5.Denied for Financial Aid in College

6.New Church

7.Lost friends

8.Became Manager

9.Multiple hangovers

10.New Friends



 

"I was in your sights you got me alone, you found me, you found me you found me..."

 



This year I think I got to know myself a little better. Grew up a lot, and had a little bit of my childhood back just in the adult version.(; I got a lot of opportunities given to me. For instance, a Manager position at my current job Jamba Juice. I love it. I couldn't have asked for anything better than that. Everyone is friends and when working its like getting paid to hang out with your friends its amazing.



 

"I guess you didn't care and I guess I liked that and when I fell hard, you took a step back without me..."

 

I also got a job at Trader Joe's and am able to say I was one of the first people to be there when the first customer walked in to start shopping. I love it there. It is just a lot of work to keep up with. Grocery stores are a lot to handle, especially if its one that has a good reputation. Ugh.

 

"And he's long gone when he's next to me and I realize the blame is on me..."

 

The biggest thing that happened to me this year was probably when this guy I really liked came back into my life. We stoped talking for a while and I cried about it for months. There was never a day I didn't think about him. Every time my Mom would ask how he was doing I would try to put a smile on my face and say I don't talk to him anymore and when she said "What a shame, I liked him. He would of fit well in the family." Tore me in p i e c e s inside. Luckily he's back but my heart is not on my sleeve any longer.

 

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now..."

 



 The best memory though of this year, making out with an Australian. Yes. I can scratch that off my list to do before I'm 21.

Sorry y'all I know this isn't a long post. Kind of having writers block.):





I'm Trying. I'm Sorry.

By my recent posts y'all can probably get a hint that I have a little bit of a problem.

I like to write in third person because I feel like if I can make characters that express what is happening in my life, it won't be as hard to tell the story to anyone. People can get a sense that it's a character and won't get as attached to a character than to a human being that it's happening to.

But that isn't the problem I'm talking about.

I like to act like everything is okay and keep everything inside and let it go later that night. Start a whole new day with nothing to worry about until later that night. I stay quiet and won't talk to anyone. You can talk to me an I will communicate, I just can't be the one that starts a conversation because I'll be thinking too hard. But that always leads me to feeling sick and I get worn down every time.

But that isn't the problem I'm talking about.

It's hard to explain to people why I do this. And I do want to get help its just being a hardcore Catholic and having standards to live up to while growing up Italian it's hard to step out of the one way direction I'm going. I do it not to fit in. Nor because my roll model use to do it and I need to do everything like her. I do it to relieve stress, relieve the hardcore catholic standards, relieve all my worries at the end of the day. And relieve those moments where I feel like I'm deciding wrong things for my life to come. As I get older and the more responsibility I receive, the harder it is to stop. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it until I can feel the pain roaring out of my skin. Not like a pinch pain or an Indian burn pain but a pain where you know your going to feel better after everything is done.

I do it mostly because I over think about everything. I over think about if I forgot to do something at work. If I forgot to tell my dad something on our last phone call. If I can pay rent next month. If I'm going to need to make a doctors visit if I'm going to be sick. If my car will work the next day. If my best friend and I will ever see each other again. If its still going to be the same when I see my guy friend again. If I'm going to ever get married.

Stupid things right?

I know. Believe me, I know. My mind goes a million miles an hour at a time which makes me over think everything.

I just hope people can see me as the same person as I am. I just have one more issue I'm dealing with now. Nothing physically different just a few scars on my arm and a mind that keeps over thinking about events that is going on in life.

I haven't told many of my friends. And my parents don't know either. I hope it stays that way too. (Aaahemm!) and when I want to vent about something that I know will leave a scar later, I feel like I've already given that friend hell from the last venting and I don't want to give that friend anything else to have to think about or worry about for me. That friend has already been through so much in his life that I hate to be a burden on his night every time I need to say something. Plus I'm more of a listener than a talker. I'm not that great at speaking to people but when I need to I can be pretty badass or pretty fricking lame sauce.

Anyways.

I'm trying to not leave scars on my arms anymore but it is a long process need to take. I just hope my friends can still accept me for me myself and I like I was before I came out to say,

I leave scars on my arms to relieve my worries and fears of life. I know it isn't healthy but I'm trying to be better about this.

Look on the bright side, at lease I'm not an alcoholic. (;

John.

Ever had one of those moments where you just think to yourself of two or three different things at the same time and oddly can control each thought and not get confused? I just had one of those..

I'm actually writting another blog right now and in another different blog im currently working on it mentions, when you look at a certian object or hear a certian word it can remind you of a person you really care about.

I'm here writting my New Years blog, and I'm writting about the month of September. The month I found out my gym trainer had passed away. What I didn't realize was that on the last couple of sessions I had with him I was talking to him about how I needed a job and that I really really wanted a job at Jamba Juice. I was telling him how it was one of my favorite places and he was telling me how he loved that place too.

On the 27th of Aug he passed away and on Sept 2nd ... I got the job at Jamba Juice. It could just be a coincidence, but honestly my friend knew how badly I needed a job and that my financial struggles were getting really hard on me. I think my friend helped me out there and got me that job. Not gonna lie. I definatly have a badass angel watching over me.

Safe and Sound

"I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said, I'll never let you go

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, don't leave me here alone

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight"

I can remember that night like it was only yesterday. Riding on the three day train ride from Oregon to Arizona. Walking ever so slowly to the back of the train to the bathroom and looking at myself straight in the eye in the mirror and asking if this was what I wanted. If this was what I needed to do.

"Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound"

The first day of the train ride I met a lady who told her life story all within an hour. She explained to me she wished she would have done more with her life before she fucked it over. I of course had no idea what she meant about fucking her life over, all I thought about was how I could not mess my life up if I went on with this life I was about to have in Arizona.

"Don't you dare look out your window darling"

Day two; things just got worse from then on. I paced back and forth from the front of the train to the back just until the train attendants told me I was making others around me nervous. I was only planing. Causing no harm. So then I hide under a seat and wept until I was numb. Numb to the touch and numb in the mind to where I could not hear nor see others around me. By then it was nightfall and I could do as I pleased. Walking in a numb state of mind was like walking on a glass plank. Able to see everything from underneath. Taking every step slowly as if you could fall through the glass and into the city of sharp creatures.

"Everything's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold onto this lullaby

Even when the music's gone"

Down the stairs and into the dark hallway. Still numb and unable to think clearly I walked into the tightly spaced bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and just asked why I had to be going through this. Why was it me and not the man and daughter sitting two rows down from me. I just couldn't understand. But from that point, I couldn't understand anything from being numb all over. Nothing was worth it, I decided. Nothing at all. Filling the only object I had available, the white stained plastic sink with water I dipped my numb teary face into it and fell asleep.

"Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh"

Waking a complete numb body nearly drowning person could be impossible to a human touch but dreams can be a realistic bitch and taunt the minds of the numb at heart.

"Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound"

New Year, New You.

2010: Year of No Fear.

2011: Year of Crazies.

2012: Year to Discover.

New Years. My most favorite holiday of the entire world. Stay up past midnight and party until the year ends .. .. .. literally. And getting to be around your friends and family just to celebrate another year always gets me a bit emotional. During the last few minutes of the year, a flash of my entire year comes before me and I realize that past year wasn't all that bad like I have thought. Of course there was some real ROUGH patches, like  Mt. Everest tall but look at me now, its the end of the year and being with people I love and some supporting me more than others.

In the beginning of 2011, I thought it was going to be the best one yet. I have my own apartment (in my name but my mom living with me), starting my second year in College (that no one thought I could accomplish, yet alone high school), AND I had my very first car. Was totally awesome. Not really. In my life, when things go so far up, you must come tumbling down, slowly and painfully.

Lost my job at American Eagle, got partially admitted into the hospital, and failed a couple classes at school and was on severe academic probation. Not the coolest thing ever. And to top it all off my Dad re-married. I'm happy for him, don't get me wrong, but it did take a little while to get use to. I love my new Step-Mom, it's still just weird seeing and listening to them now instead of MY Mom being around my Dad. Whatever makes my Dad happy, I'll be happy.

Whenever you fall down slowly and painfully, you come up stronger and higher. This leads me into getting a new job (finally) at Jamba Juice. Yes, my home away from home! Jamba Juice was surely a blessing from God. It's one of my favorite places to pick up a drink at and working there just has been so much fun. My co-workers are so spunky and energetic and amazing. We all are truly family there.

That was in September, when October came it was, yes folks, LCT Haunted House time!! Every weekend being with my other friends and getting scared and scareing each other and eating pizza together. Oh God, it was THE best! Just one downfall on that...my creeper. Always a creeper on the loose after me and what perfect time then in a pitch black scary maze with a contraction that makes sparks. Can't get any creeper than that!

Mid November and early December had to be the best part of the year. Got the opportunity to volunteer for a play. It was a cool play and made some new friends along the way! And with that, I got invited to a Karaoke party and actually got up and sang four songs. Three with a group of hot drunk guys ;) and one alone by myself to the one and only U Simile by Justin Bieber. Jesus...what do I get myself into?

You defiantly can't end the year off without getting in some sort of trouble with the police, right? That's what happens when I try to surprise my friend with a birthday poster decoration on his car. The cop said I looked suspicious. Yes, because a girl in pajama pants and a 2006 Disneyland sweatshirt looks suspicious. Seriously, cops get dumber and dumber by the month.

Going through, writing out the good and bad parts of 2011 here has made me realize how much stronger I have become and the kind of decisions I made that I need to work on and what a good job of a person I have become. For example: Finally breaking it off with this guy, after all the shit I put up with and all the cheating he did that I tried to ignore. I'm proud I finally was able to let go and move on a bit. I even took a risk and flirted (a lot) with a guy I met volunteering at the Haunted House. I really like him but I'm still scared of every relationship I get into for now on, is going to become like the relationship I had with my ex. Luckily he wants to be a "Good Guy" and not get into a relationship at the moment but every "Good Girl" needs a "Bad Guy" in her life at some point. ; )

ANYWAYS, in this coming up year I'm going to try to blog in first and third person more often. I like to write with myself just talking to y'all but sometimes I can't come up with the right words so I like to create stories to what I feel, see, or hear.

This year I'm going to try to be more responsible with how I spend my time. Time is precious, don't spend it all with just friends and family. Try to expose yourself to different challenging obstacles. Take a class you have no what-so-ever experience in or maybe even hear of! Or maybe mentor a kid?

This year I'm going to try to be more social and make some new friends. I love my friends now, but I want to branch out and make different friends. Like artsy people and music people or maybe even crazy unique people. Just people that like to chill out and watch a movie at home, have popcorn fights and most of all have no drama between us all.

This year I'm going to branch out more. I signed up for an acting class at school and I'm going to audition for a play at LCT in March or April. I also signed up for Sign Language. It's something I would never do, but its a New Year, and a New me. Let's start the discovery!