John.

Ever had one of those moments where you just think to yourself of two or three different things at the same time and oddly can control each thought and not get confused? I just had one of those..

I'm actually writting another blog right now and in another different blog im currently working on it mentions, when you look at a certian object or hear a certian word it can remind you of a person you really care about.

I'm here writting my New Years blog, and I'm writting about the month of September. The month I found out my gym trainer had passed away. What I didn't realize was that on the last couple of sessions I had with him I was talking to him about how I needed a job and that I really really wanted a job at Jamba Juice. I was telling him how it was one of my favorite places and he was telling me how he loved that place too.

On the 27th of Aug he passed away and on Sept 2nd ... I got the job at Jamba Juice. It could just be a coincidence, but honestly my friend knew how badly I needed a job and that my financial struggles were getting really hard on me. I think my friend helped me out there and got me that job. Not gonna lie. I definatly have a badass angel watching over me.

Safe and Sound

"I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said, I'll never let you go

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, don't leave me here alone

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight"

I can remember that night like it was only yesterday. Riding on the three day train ride from Oregon to Arizona. Walking ever so slowly to the back of the train to the bathroom and looking at myself straight in the eye in the mirror and asking if this was what I wanted. If this was what I needed to do.

"Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound"

The first day of the train ride I met a lady who told her life story all within an hour. She explained to me she wished she would have done more with her life before she fucked it over. I of course had no idea what she meant about fucking her life over, all I thought about was how I could not mess my life up if I went on with this life I was about to have in Arizona.

"Don't you dare look out your window darling"

Day two; things just got worse from then on. I paced back and forth from the front of the train to the back just until the train attendants told me I was making others around me nervous. I was only planing. Causing no harm. So then I hide under a seat and wept until I was numb. Numb to the touch and numb in the mind to where I could not hear nor see others around me. By then it was nightfall and I could do as I pleased. Walking in a numb state of mind was like walking on a glass plank. Able to see everything from underneath. Taking every step slowly as if you could fall through the glass and into the city of sharp creatures.

"Everything's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold onto this lullaby

Even when the music's gone"

Down the stairs and into the dark hallway. Still numb and unable to think clearly I walked into the tightly spaced bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and just asked why I had to be going through this. Why was it me and not the man and daughter sitting two rows down from me. I just couldn't understand. But from that point, I couldn't understand anything from being numb all over. Nothing was worth it, I decided. Nothing at all. Filling the only object I had available, the white stained plastic sink with water I dipped my numb teary face into it and fell asleep.

"Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh"

Waking a complete numb body nearly drowning person could be impossible to a human touch but dreams can be a realistic bitch and taunt the minds of the numb at heart.

"Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound"